Help! Mid Life Crisis!

I seriously think i am now going through a mid life crisis, though at a premature stage. Wikipedia describes Mid-life Crisis as a period of dramatic self-doubt that is felt by some in the "middle years" of life, that may be triggered by the death of parents, or children leaving home. The person may desire to make significant changes in core aspects of day to day life, such as in career, or in relationships.
Obviously the passing of Samuel is the key trigger. Life has been quite empty since Samuel has been promoted to a better place. Reflecting on the past, my (family) life revolved around Samuel. You see, Samuel had the biggest room of my home - the living room. He was intentionally placed in our living room as we wanted him to be always playing a part in our family life. While we watched TV, eat our meals (we have a open concept kitchen, dinning, living room), play with our kids, or when friends visit, or during cell group meetings; Samuel was always the centre of it all. Wifey had to take on additional tuition, and why i had the motivation to work long hours, was because of Samuel.
Now that he is gone, it seems pointless to put in 12 hour work days. What do i really want? That is what i am asking myself these days. How do I want to spend the second half of my life? What do I want to be remembered? What am I willing to die for? What are the talents that God has given me that I can realize my full potential? Is it about family? Is is about linking and giving to the people community? Does God hold the meaning to life and not me?
I am now re-reading Rick Warren's "Purpose driven life", and just picked up Bob Buford's Half-time. I pray that God will speak to me as I read these books.
Samuel gave his all while he was alive. Samuel was strong, he took the continual pains and discomforts. He was stubborn, he presevered the multiple close-death hospital stays, and lived beyond what the doctors expected. He was attractive and charismatic in his own way, getting the attention of everyone in KK hospital, and inspiring the teachers from his school.
These are the traits that i hope will see me through to the second half of my life.

Life after Samuel

Its been 4 months since Samuel passed away. I think my family has adjusted to our new lifestyle. The key but simple difference is our mobility. Simple things like eating out together, visiting the many playgrounds that our daughters just love, going to the library, visiting and socializing with friends. We have just came back from our first vacation for 6 years.

We drove up to Malaysia together, stopping at Malacca, A'famosa, and finally Genting. On the way back, Wifey told me she just had her best holiday in her life;-) even better than our honeymoon in NZ. (of course while she was having her time of her life, I was the chaperone, driver, bell-boy, waiter, tour guide.....). In a way, the fact we just had the best holiday in a very ordinary itinerary and in a very ordinary Malaysia really signifies the way we have lived our lifes since Samuel was conceived 6 years ago.

With Samuel, i have to humbly admit that my family lived an extra-ordinary life. Without Samuel, it dawned upon me that we are a very ordinary Singaporean family with 2 kids and a maid, an ordinary christian family who goes to church every week, an ordinary office worker in an MNC who puts in at least 12 hours of work a day, an ordinary teacher in a premium school, 2 healthy ordinary kids who will be going through a typical singaporean education, and of course an ordinary maid.

Samuel made us different. Yet, when he was with us, I wanted so much, and longed to do the ordinary things most people do. Now that i am doing these ordinary things, life seem so...so....empty. Human are so hard to pleased. Human are so difficult to satisfy.

We still mention Samuel almost every day in our family. He seem to be a reminder to us that life can be so different, so difficukt, and yet so purposeful and meaningful.

Samuel is in a better place

Its been 1 month since Samuel found his freedom. Today, i am putting down the jumbled and messy thoughts that are in my mind. Found some inspiration to put down whats in my mind. Probably do it in point form.

- Samuel is indeed in a better place. His suffering is over. He has found his freedom in his death. To live is Christ, and to die is gain. No more suctioning, no more gastro tube feeding, no longer stuck to the 15kg ventilator when moving around, no longer dependant on batteries to breathe, no more negative thoughts when he knows that he is different from other kids.

- New season beckons. No more worrying when he will start eating, no more pain for me when he is suffering in pain, dont need to hurry home when going out, no more excuses not to serve people; when others are having fun, i now can also have fun; no more excuses to do better in my job, no more excuses for not doing what i really want to do; cannot rely on Samuel to motivate Esther & Grace to succeed in life.

- God is faithful. I can now say that he did not test me beyond what i am able to bear.

- What muscles have i developed? Remains to be seen.

Conclusion of the matter

Faces of Samuel - 4

Faces of Samuel - 3

Faces of Samuel - 2

Faces of Samuel -1 

Reason for Suffering (5) - Final

I heard a pastor preaching about a year ago and i still clearly remember the analogy up till today. The Surgical trial and the Mugger's trial.The surgical trial is a typical trial suffered by a typical Christian. A sick person undergoes a surgeon's knife improve his condition. Pain will be part and parcel of process. He may moan about it but he needs to go through it so as to be better. Similarly a christian undergoes pain in a trial, but at the end of it, he becomes a better person.A mugger's trial is about a person who is mugged for no rhyme or reason. It is "by chance" that he is selected as a taret, and robbed. He may be shot and money stolen. He feels pain, and in the end, he does not become a better person. but maybe a much more careful person.
Christians need to differentiate whether their friends are going through a surgical trial or a mugger's trial. Many people does not, but now I know!
When your friend goes through a mugger's trial, just by being there is enough. You may want to pray for God to give him/her strength. Doing more may make matters worse! Always think "Do I sound like Job's friends?" If you do, just shut up and simply be there for your friend. That means more to the person going through a mugger's trial.
So what is the conclusion. What is the reason of suffering? Only people who goes through it really understands. Its not for discussion!

Reason for Suffering (4) - Kanna Swanned

The story of Job clearly confirms that the idea that "God is trying to tell us something everytime we suffer" IS WRONG. The general principle that a man reaps what he sows (see Pslams 1:3, 37:25) does not always apply. Job deserved suffering less than anyone else. He arguably suffered more than anyone else.
Today in churches, we reserve the shiniest merit badges for those who have been miraculously healed. We feature them in church bulletines, flyers, magazine articles, telling people that healing is available for people who claim it.
I am not discounting the wonderfulness of healing. But the emphasis on miraculous healing has the side effect of causing unhealed ones (like me and my Samuel) to feel as though God has passed me by. I remember attending a church regularly and the pastor said many times: "You are not healed because you do not have enough faith." I was left wondering why my faith in God failed. And you know what, I stopped attending the church service after a while because I do not want to "swanned" by the pastor week after week.

In the book "Don't blame God", by Dr Carol Michalski, the author tries to make sense out of tragedy and suffering. She tried to address the causes of disorders today, giving multiple reasons. On the topic of hereditary illness, she completely missed the point, focussing instead on people who complained about their genes!
In another book "Suffering and Pain" by Pukuta Mwanza, every chapter was devoted to a reason of sufffering, such as "suffering because of success", suffering because of righteousness, suffering because of spiritual sin". There is even a chapter on "suffering because of the will of God". But again, the author tried too hard to defend God and give reasons for the suffering that happens here in our world.
Searching on the internet "suffering" did not turn up any thing useful.

I would like to propose that sometimes, there is no reason for suffering.
That would be explained in the next and final blog on suffering.

Reason for Suffering (3) - Job's friend's advice

The arguments from Job friends sounds suspiciously like those offered by many Christians to me in the past 2 years.
The Old Testament is filled with examples of prophets warning Israelites that they will face calamity if they flouted God's laws. This makes Christians think that when someone is facing a trial, God is teaching them something or because they have sinned.
Christian friends usually thinks :
"Suffering is God's punishment for mistakes. You must have done something to deserve this punishment."
but it sounds harsh, so they usually say :
"You will look back years later and see that God is moulding your character. I have a friend so and so, something bad happened to him, but when he got right with God, everything changed and he began to do very well."
Christian friends are so "nice". At the very moment when i most need hope and strength, i get accussation thrown at me, resulting in a greater dose of guilt and doubt.
PLEASE!
We have no right to stand beside a sick person and say "this is the will of God".
Lets look at what God said to his 2 friends. God dismissed all their theories with "I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has."
I am really so fed up with people coming to me and give me advice that is any way similar to Job's friends. If you ever need to bring advice to your friends who are sick and going through a trial, make you you dont repeat the same mistake as Job's friends. Think "is what i am about the say the same as what Job's friends advised?" Of course this presumes that you have
read the book of Job.